Mess Left By Labour Getting Messier
Britain is now rated CRAAAP and will only regain its cleanliness certificate if it finally clears up the stinking heap in Westminster, which grows bigger and bigger by the day.
The original turd left behind by the Labour Party in 2010 has now been joined by tonnes of litter, graffiti and yet more excrement, all dumped by the Treasury’s house clearance team.
Chancellor George Osborne tried to hide the stain on his trousers as he explained to reporters this morning: “We promised to clean up this mess and we will.
“Losing our hygiene rating just goes to show how big Labour’s faeces really was. So big, in fact, it developed its own gravitational field to which was attracted a whole heap of other rubbish.
“Bear with us, we’re saving up to buy a new sponge.”
The Conservative Party has used everything it can within the narrow range of its ideological cleaning cupboard but has yet to find anything capable of removing Labour’s shit.
Continued Osborne: “Other people keep suggesting we look in a different cupboard, hire a professional cleaner, or maybe start using a bin collection service.
“But being in government is about making the tough decision to ignore what other people say and stubbornly continue scrubbing away with that old bottle of Jif and a ragged piece of kitchen towel.”
Labour Party leader Ed Miliband suggested using a shovel.
He said: “When Labour left office, yes, we’d left a big poo on the pavement, but we knew exactly how we were going to clean it up.
“As for all the other mess that’s there now, they can’t blame us for that. Oh no, wait, they are. They’re blaming us for that as well.
“Damn, this shit is getting old.”
Prime Minister David Cameron said he’d listen to Miliband’s advice after he gets ousted as Tory leader by Boris Johnson.
“We’re too busy scrubbing helplessly at Labour’s shit to even notice the amount of our own crap that has built up around it,” said a visibly putrid Cameron.
“I’m sure the voters in the Eastleigh by-election will understand that too, since their own town is full of shit as well.”
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment. He was last seen sleeping under a blanket of newspapers outside 11 Downing Street, next to a shopping trolley filled with his scrapped principles.