Michael Gove Reveals New GOVECSE
The GOVECSE will test school pupils everyday at 9am, 12noon and 3pm on how much they know about the life and times of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education and All Conquering God of Your Every Waking Fucking Hour.
In addition to knowing the full life story of His Royal Goveness, from his self-delivered birth in Edinburgh in 1967 through to his current state as a reincarnation of Lord Nelson, GOVECSE students will also be required to know the history of the British Empire to such a fine degree of detail that anyone who is discovered through examination to not know the name and rank of any loss to the armed forces between 1497 and 1997 will immediately receive a dozen lashings.
Any pupils displaying a hint of knowledge of countries outside the Commonwealth will receive a similar punishment, as well as being forced to hand-deliver their letter of apology to the Queen.
Said Sir Michael of Westminster: “I am your master. You listen to me and only me. I have replaced your parents and all your friends. There is nothing else now, only I, Gove.
“Now if you do exactly as I say, and I mean exactly, you may just pass the GOVECSE and qualify for a place at Gove College, the new name for all further education institutions in England.
“However, if you ignore my instructions, or deviate from them either by miscalculation, confusion or peasantry, you shall fail the GOVECSE and spend the rest of your life in the Factory of Gove, a new mass production hub run by slaves that will be tasked with heralding a second industrial revolution through the abandonment of all workers’ rights and health and safety laws.
“Those who do somehow gain a Diploma in Gove will be graded 1, 2 or 3; depending on how rich your parents were.
“Only Gove 1s will be given the privilege of paying £90,000 a term to attend the new University of Gove in my Surrey constituency office, where you will have the honour of washing my feet and waxing my scrotum.”
Horrified teachers in England have reacted to news of the GOVECSE by quitting their jobs and setting up free schools instead.
Teachers in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland – who aren’t subjects of Gove – laughed hysterically for several hours before returning to the classroom to sober up.