Bush Passes Presidential Assassination Bill

Outgoing American president George W. Bush has passed a last-minute legislative bill allowing for the assassination of the US president from Wednesday onwards.

In his last act as commander in chief, Bush said he was delighted to offer “hope for the future” to the millions of racists, sexists, homophobes, xenophobes, millionaires, hunters, gatherers, cavemen, cowboys and fascists who have supported him during his eight-year term.

“By forcing through this piece of legislative law, I am hereby allowing anyone – and I do mean anyone – to shoot, stab, punch, kick, beat or otherwise injure, harm and hopefully kill the president of the United States,” Bush said.

“Whoever that may be come Wednesday.”

Concluding his farewell speech, Bush added: “I hope you’ve all enjoyed the last eight years, it sure has been one hell of a party.

“But, hey, be careful out there. You never know when a Texan oil barron might just swoop in and fuck everything up.”