I’ve submitted an application form to Dragon’s Den

Spring has arrived at last. But even better than that, the patent has come through on my idea that will save the world. Yes, that’s right. I, Jim Wetherman, am ready to launch the Big World Saving Plan.

Now that I have my patent all I need is £32billion, some sticky-back plastic, about 13 kilograms of moon rock, a handwritten 11th-Century Hebrew Bible with Aramaic targum, a 16-year-old virgin, and a banana.

Monday

My meteorological colleague Francis warned me that the sticky-back plastic might be hard to come by. Apparently, there is a shortage of the stuff at the moment because of the number of tacky royal wedding banners being taped together by Britain’s 20 million moron population.

Tuesday

It’s okay, it’s fine, I found some Sellotape in the back of a cupboard. Which is where I also found some moon rock. It helps when you’re a weatherman I guess. We’re all so close to NASA, if we wanted to we could get them to put up a satellite just for the purpose of stalking an ex-wife. Not that any of us would ever do that.

Wednesday

I decided to leave the banana until last, it needs to be ripe for this plan to work. As far as the money goes, I’ve got about £31.8billion in savings so all I need to do is raise the last £200million. I’ve submitted an application form to Dragon’s Den.

Thursday

That didn’t go well. Theo Paphitis said he loved my idea, but he couldn’t risk his children’s inheritance on a plan for saving the world that had no obvious market potential. “No one is interested in the future of this planet,” he told me. “Least of all my children.”

Friday

I’ve got this Jewish friend who said he knew where I could find the Bible. He said all I had to do was sell my soul to the Devil and it would be mine. Problem solved.

Weekend

So that just leaves the money and the virgin. I’m a pretty lucky guy generally, so I’ve booked in a trip to Las Vegas over the Easter holidays. And if I’m really lucky, I’ll win enough money to buy the virgin as well. Sorted. I’ll let you know how I get on.