I like Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Which is odd for me, because I don’t usually like women.

Maybe it’s the double-barrelled surname and the posh accent that’s enamoured me. Or the high credit rating.

Well, that’s that then. We’ve finally won the argument. The proof for man-made climate change is conclusive. Conclusively wrong.

Thank you, IPCC. You’ve shown, once and for all, that global warming is a big pile of old rubbish, burning in a completely harmless incinerator.

Corporations which make money by selling news say they don’t want a new law which could make it more difficult for them to make money by selling news.

The newspapers fear legislation proposed by Lord Justice Leveson could even force them to write “boring” stories which tell the truth and aren’t full of entertaining, profitable lies.

I remember the last time I reviewed a Christina Aguilera album. The year was 2006, and life was great.

No-one cared about the deficit, no-one was complaining about bankers being greedy and no-one thought Christina Aguilera was fat.

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

Fuck my saggy balls has it been raining a lot. Seriously. I daren’t go outside for fear I’ll be drowned.

Didn’t you see the news? Millions perished in this one village alone. Swept to their watery deaths, they were. Had they even survived, their cars were all trashed so they’d probably have had to kill themselves anyway.

Have you ever seen someone who looks dodgy? Did they have a weird haircut, an odd-shaped nose or dark skin?

Did they smell a bit funny or were they making odd noises? Were they also carrying a rucksack?