Hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing war, murder, rape and economic collapse are set to make new homes deep within Jeremy Corbyn’s beard.

The newly-elected Labour Party leader said there was “plenty of room” in and around the hair follicles of his silver facial fuzz for the refugees to “start a new life” free from violence and fear.

Here we are then. The last week of Great Britain. After Thursday, thanks to an endorsement by a skinny, drug-addicted, tortoise-stealing comedian, this country will basically cease to exist.

Yeah you heard me. This is it. The end. Once Labour get in, Ed Millicunt has already basically admitted that he is going to turn The Treasury into an ATM machine for the idle and the weak. The money will all be gone by June, and then the banks will be forced to pay back the money they owe the government. Jesus. Can you imagine?

Scientists from Cambridge University have published a paper claiming that Ed Miliband is still the leader of the Labour Party.

The astonishing discovery, if true, will be a huge boost to Labour’s election rivals.

Tony Blair is an American spy who has been working undercover as a politician since the 1970s in order to become prime minister and destroy Britain’s civil rights.

National Security Agency (NSA) documents leaked by whistleblower Edward Snowden have finally exposed the true identity of the man who most people assumed had lied about Iraq, but probably not much else.

This is an urgent weather warning from me. I am warning you, and all of the people you know, to be careful.

Be careful, people, because trees are falling down on your face. Nowhere is safe. NOWHERE.

Can’t find work? Had your benefits taken away? Been made homeless? You’re probably hoping there’s a major political party out there which can stop the Con-Dem Coalition in its tracks.

Has your local A&E ward been closed down? Fire station under threat? Library converted into a betting shop? What you need is a viable opposition to this wanton destruction, a party which is planning to reestablish all of these important services as soon as it gets into office.

Benefits will be entirely replaced by a new handicap system based on how poor you are.

The welfare state is an old-fashioned, cumbersome institution that needs to be rebuilt from scratch as something completely different, the government reckons.