The multinational firm distributing Ebola across Europe is set to sue the British government after ‘harsh’ measures against the virus were imposed at UK airports.

Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.

Shopping at your nearest independent trader – be it baker, greengrocer, newsagent or fish fryer – is no doubt a fulfilling and life-enriching experience.

We would never question that.

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.

Hey look, look at us, over here, check out our logo and our cool packaging. Aren’t we cool?

We’ve got snazzy catchphrases, a pumping soundtrack and lots of pretty colours. Did you also notice how cool we are?

After the epic Great British summer we have had, the drug of competition has got many of us hooked. We want more.

Two weeks of joy and bliss and happiness are looming upon our horizon.

All will be well and fine and good and the only thing that matters is who can run the fastest, jump the highest, throw the farthest and compel a horse to complete an obstacle course in the most elegant fashion.

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.