I’m a child and I look adorable.

Look at my big, innocent eyes. Look at my soft, wrinkle-free skin. Look at how small and cute I am.

Are you unemployed? Ready to get back into work? Full of enthusiasm and naivety?

We might have just the job you think you’ve been looking for.

Are you hungry? I said; are you hungry? Good. That’s very good. Because we’ve just made a pizza that will make you forget what hunger feels like.

Normal old boring pizza chains use dough made from flour and yeast and all of that stuff. We don’t do that. We make our pizza dough out of bacon.

Shopping at your nearest independent trader – be it baker, greengrocer, newsagent or fish fryer – is no doubt a fulfilling and life-enriching experience.

We would never question that.

Quick, look, check it out! It’s our new amazing phone of awesomeness!

This little beauty is going to literally change your life. And maybe even for the better.

Are you 100 percent healthy? Have you never met a doctor? Have you never felt pain? No?

Are you able to run as fast as James Ellington? Jump as far as JJ Jegede? Swim as fast as Mark Foster? No idea who these people are?

Can’t find work? Had your benefits taken away? Been made homeless? You’re probably hoping there’s a major political party out there which can stop the Con-Dem Coalition in its tracks.

Has your local A&E ward been closed down? Fire station under threat? Library converted into a betting shop? What you need is a viable opposition to this wanton destruction, a party which is planning to reestablish all of these important services as soon as it gets into office.