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These pills will make you healthy!

Hellth pillAre you 100 percent healthy? Have you never met a doctor? Have you never felt pain? No?

Are you able to run as fast as James Ellington? Jump as far as JJ Jegede? Swim as fast as Mark Foster? No idea who these people are?

You need help. You’re an overweight, lazy, unfit, unhealthy, ugly, pathetic, useless, suicidal piece of sloth excretion. But that’s okay, because we have a solution, tailor-made just for you.

You see, Ellington is the 14th-fastest 200m runner in the world. Jegede is the 28th-longest jumper. Foster is retired. But these guys didn’t get to be this good because they have talent or a personal trainer or a dietician or because they have the time to train seven days a week. No. Don’t be stupid. You’re stupid.

None of these things are related. There is no cause and effect here. It’s just a coincidence that they all have those things and are almost, but not quite, the best at what they do.

Has it ever actually been scientifically proven that practising something makes you better at it? Or that eating particular foods can help improve particular body functions? No, of course it hasn’t.

Unlike all that unproven bunkem, our solution to your health needs is scientific. Extremely scientific. So you want to really know what makes these athletes not quite the best at what they do? Yes, you do. Because you’re going to stop being stupid from now on, and finally become good at something for once in your miserable little life.

You’re going to take our pill. Every day. It’s packed full of anti-death and super-oxygen and fairy vitamins. And that’s exactly the stuff that science tells you your body needs to be the 28th-best at something. We’ve proven it.

You see, our pills are what Ellington and Jegede and Foster and lots of other really famous and successful sports stars take. And it’s absolutely the only reason they’re successful. There is no other factor at play. And that is scientific fact.

Our pill is the only possible thing that could ever make you successful, too. When you think about it, it’s obvious, isn’t it?

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