Immigration is the reason why your life is shit, and if we don’t do something to curb it soon the very fabric of our beloved British society will collapse in on itself, creating a void into which all of us will be sucked and crushed to death.

In this column I want to set out the three reasons why I know this to be the case. Amid all the clamour and jostling among politicians to be seen to be getting a grip on immigration – which even they must now recognise is Britain’s biggest problem (yes, even bigger than paedophilia) – there are still billions of immigrants sneaking into this country every year.

Millions of homeless and starving Filipinos whose homes and livelihoods were wiped out by a Category 5, 235mph super-typhoon have thanked world governments and their negotiating teams for finally agreeing to make an agreement next year to start solving man-made climate change in 2020.

The manifestly grateful victims of Typhoon Haiyan – the strongest recorded storm to make landfall – said their endless search for food, water and shelter would “soon be over” because the 19th-annual United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) in Warsaw had made a partial deal to possibly do something to save the world at a distant future date.

Death-trap factories built under lax regulations in the Third World are so on trend.

The sweatshops work best when paired with negligible workers’ rights and rampant capitalism.

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.

Saving the planet would cause a new financial crisis, The Taxman can exclusively reveal.

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

Laziness levels in Britain have risen to a 16-year high.

More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.