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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

The Pope stroking an iPadTech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

He told a room full of excited media people in Mianus, Connecticut: “Getting caught with your pants down really sucks. Well, with the iPaedo, you’ll never be charged with a sex offence ever again.

“So long as you carry this device, any children you come into intimate contact with will be automatically silenced for the rest of their lives.”

Tech sexperts have pointed out, however, that the iPaedo’s tiny battery life would render it useless during those long weekend abuse sessions, while its incompatibility with rival devices and file formats would frustrate many established paedophiles.

A Computing For Paedos reviewer asked: “Sure, it looks great, it’s portable, it’s got loads of functionality, but how is a Catholic priest supposed to play all his hundreds of AVI child porn videos?”

Mr Cook rebutted such worries. He said: “The iPaedo will be fully compatible with flashing, while its abuser-friendly interface opens the back-door of child exploitation to a wider pornographic.

“Abuse today is chiefly the preserve of the morally vacant and religiously oppressed. My vision is of a future where everyone has the toys required to abuse children, free from fear of their windows getting smashed.”

The iPaedo is currently being mass-produced at a giant maternity ward in Mongolia, providing much-needed employment opportunities for postnatal mothers and their sexy infants.

The device will hit shelves and children in July, marketed at the bargain price of just one soul.

Finished Mr Cook: “I’d just like to thank the global media again for coming all the way up into Mianus, only to see a dirty old man play with his gadget.”


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