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Emergency Services To Be Replaced By Shops And Offices

Cop serves customersPolice stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.

Home Secretary Theresa May said the police force’s entire property portfolio will be flogged to palm oil conglomerates in the Far East, so that they can build much-needed retail space for Britain’s successful high street brands such as HMV, Jessops, Blockbusters, Comet, Game and Woolworths.

She told the Houses of Parliament: “To kick-start growth in the British economy, we must provide extravagant living and working space for rich people who currently live thousands of miles away and are about as likely to pay tax in this country as Lord Ashcroft.

“Then what we must do is build lots of new retail space for loss-making chains to try selling things in shops that people can buy quicker and cheaper on the internet.

“And the best way to do this, of course, is to flog the buildings used by our extravagant police force and other emergency services.

“But don’t worry, you’ll still be able to report crimes via Twitter or something I expect.”

The Accident and Emergency wings of NHS hospitals are now primarily being used as a hangover cure for drunks, explained May, while fire stations have become pool halls and most police stations are just a meeting place for scum.

She added: “This government will never shy away from making tough, bonkers decisions, and I’m really sorry, but, protecting people and saving lives is a luxury we can no longer afford.

“Stay safe!”

Met Police chief Bernard Hogan-Howe backed the government’s ‘Big January Sale‘ and even offered to turn Scotland Yard into an Argos Extra.

“A police officer’s time is much better spent walking up and down outside waiting for a crime to happen than sat behind a desk filling in forms about crimes that have already happened,” said Hogan-Howe, while sat behind a desk.

“And filling in forms is the sort of thing that can be done in Tesco anyway, maybe somewhere around the cheese counter?”

A spokesman for London Ambulance Service was less enthusiastic about the cuts to A&E departments but said he was sure paramedics would find a way to cope.

He told us, here at The Taxman: “We’ll figure something out, I mean, like the government keeps saying, if you can’t afford to pay for private healthcare it’s basically your own fault for not working hard enough.

“So I think we’ll just end up putting all our ambulances on a loop around the M25, so patients will still be treated, it’s just that they won’t ever make it to hospital.”

Matt Wrack, general secretary of the Fire Brigades Union, said: “We’re just about to begin talks with the government on this, and we’re hoping to reach some sort of amicable agreement.

“Our negotiating position is that, if the Tories want to sell our fire stations, they’ll have to find their own way to stop the Houses of Parliament from burning down in a huge blaze that no-one will ever know how was started.”

Other useless buildings the government said it wants to sell to morally questionable foreign investors include the Thames Barrier, the Scottish Parliament building in Holyrood, the Olympic Stadium and any state school that hasn’t yet converted to academy status.

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