Hello, my name is Nick Clegg. This is a newspaper column that I have been allowed to write, and, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to use it to grovel.

Now, as you may know, I’m the Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I was hired to do this job after my party finished third in a general election four years ago.

Inspectors deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find “concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence” that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.

And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at “one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the North West”.

Education Secretary Michael Gove says his new GOVECSE is going to whip your children into shape, and if you don’t like it you can stay behind and meet Mr Cane.

The GOVECSE will test school pupils everyday at 9am, 12noon and 3pm on how much they know about the life and times of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education and All Conquering God of Your Every Waking Fucking Hour.

Benefits will be entirely replaced by a new handicap system based on how poor you are.

The welfare state is an old-fashioned, cumbersome institution that needs to be rebuilt from scratch as something completely different, the government reckons.

Twenty-twelve. So glorious. So pure. This was the year Britain came back fighting. From what, we’re not so sure.

We celebrated our monarch’s diamond jubilee, and cut those benefits so dear, to stop the scroungers getting something out of life for free.

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

Every Briton under the age of 25 years must be slain, David Cameron has said.

The Prime Minister believes any citizen born after 1987 does not have the right to life and should be violently exterminated forthwith.