Nick Clegg: “I’m sorry”

Hello, my name is Nick Clegg. This is a newspaper column that I have been allowed to write, and, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to use it to grovel.

Now, as you may know, I’m the Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I was hired to do this job after my party finished third in a general election four years ago.

When I meet people around the country, and read the hate mail my office receives each day, it’s obvious that a lot of you want to harm me and my Liberal Democrat colleagues physically.

I understand that this would only be in self-defence against the harmful things we have had to do to you since we chose to be in government. You are perfectly entitled to want to cause me pain, because myself and my party have caused you pain. Great, searing pain.

Many of you tell me you’re glad that there’s only one more year left before we lose all our MPs. However, I also meet people who say they cannot bear to live through another 12 months of the wretched existence that we have had to give them because it was the only responsible thing for us to do.

All of you are, of course, depressed and dejected that the only party leader who sounded remotely trustworthy and believable at the last election was forced to break the written pledge he and his party had made within six months of taking power.

I admit it: Our promise not to raise tuition fees was a mistake. A big, huge, collosal mistake – of epic proportions.

When we made that promise, we never intended to break it. But when we were unexpectedly given power and had the choice of whether or not to break our promise, we did. And that made us look bad. That’s why it was a mistake.

So I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. In fact, I promise you that I am sorry. And I pledge that if you vote for us again in 2015, I’ll still be sorry.

I also realise that this isn’t really good enough. I’m not good enough. My party is pathetic. We’re all losers.

But you know, the truth is, we had to break our promise. We had to because we’re politicians, and breaking promises is just what politicians do. We say whatever we need to say to get elected, and then we do whatever we want to do when we’re in power, regardless of what we said before.

We knew that before we got elected, and we told you about it. We admitted that all politicians did was lie. And then we asked you to vote for us; a political party. And you did. You voted for us.

That kind of makes you a bit stupid, doesn’t it?

Basically, we were just doing our jobs.  We don’t want to be politicians, but we are. Therefore we have to break our promises. The reason you’re upset is because a few politicians did political things.

Grow up.

If burglars turn up at your door and whine on and on about how all these other burglars are so awful because they want to knick your telly, would you invite them in for a cup of tea?

You clearly would. Because you’re an utter, total moron.

Now, when you’ve made a mistake you should apologise. I’ve just apologised for mine. What about you? Are you going to admit that you were wrong to ever think that I, a politician, wouldn’t break a promise?

I want to give you the chance to apologise to me, face to face. This year I am embarking upon a tour of the country, in which I will attempt to apologise to as many people as possible. This will also be the perfect opportunity for Liberal Democrat voters to admit that they were wrong, too.

Join me, and let’s apologise together. Then, in 2015, we’ll make the same mistakes all over again.

The Nick Clegg Apology Tour. Tickets won’t be more than £30, I promise.