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Businessmen ‘Will Fly Around On Oats’

OatsA new Orbital Astronomical Train (Oat) will be built to whizz businessmen around the Earth at 2,500mph, in a bid to make them all go away.

Eventually, Oat will extend far enough to dump office-type people on the Moon, but for the first century of its operation passengers will have to make do with the mediocrity of a perpetual geosynchronous orbit.

The project will cost British taxpayers £32trillion, take 250 years to build, and is set to provide at least one job for a plucky graduate who knows how to send a fax and is fully competent with the Windows 95 operating system.

Oat will solve the capacity crisis we’re experiencing right now on the 106 bus service from Elgol to Broadford on the Isle of Skye,” explained transport secretary Justine Greening.

“By golly, have you ever been on the 1.07pm service on the third Thursday of the month? You should see the number of pensioners who pack on to that thing for the rotary club committee meeting.


Ms Greening said it was imperative that the capacity problems with the 106 service were solved immediately to enable the economy to grow a bit faster, in China.

“And that’s why we are going to build Oat,” the Tory proclaimed triumphantly, “over the next few hundred years.”

Oat trains must maintain a cruising speed of 2,500mph in order to stay in their semi-major axis of 26,199 miles, so obviously the village of Wellesbourne will have to be liquidised to make way for it.

“We’ve listened to what Wellesbourne residents have told us about their community being evaporated,” continued Ms Greening, “and we’ve decided to give them all a pair of ear muffs and a blindfold.”


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