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I won’t stand by and watch the country I love blown apart by a Force Five Fuckwit

Here we are then. The last week of Great Britain. After Thursday, thanks to an endorsement by a skinny, drug-addicted, tortoise-stealing comedian, this country will basically cease to exist.

Yeah you heard me. This is it. The end. Once Labour get in, Ed Millicunt has already basically admitted that he is going to turn The Treasury into an ATM machine for the idle and the weak. The money will all be gone by June, and then the banks will be forced to pay back the money they owe the government. Jesus. Can you imagine?


Russell Brand ate my tortoise

Readers, I must interupt my irregular seven-day weather forecast to bring you some dreadful, harrowing news.

Russell Brand ate my tortoise.


We are winning the war against climate change propaganda

A quite incredible event happened last week, and for once, the media barely took notice.

The publication of a report warning of a global cataclysm was quite sensationally ignored by Britain’s newspapers. Rather than indicating the mass media’s inherent pro-corporate bias and preoccupation with trivial nonsense, however, this finally proves that we are winning the war against climate change propaganda.


I’d hate to be a weatherman in Canada right now

I’d like to dedicate this seven-day weather forecast to all my long-suffering brothers in Canada.

We may share a head of state, but Canadian meteorologists might as well be reporting the weather in North fucking Korea. Where else do you need permission from the prime minister just to tell people the goddam truth?


Go on, get your clothes off

Hello there. This is an official announcement from your favourite weatherman, Jim Wetherman. I hereby declare that we have entered the vernal point of the Earth’s axial tilt, when the plane of our planet’s equator passes the centre of the Sun, and is thereby neither inclined away from nor towards the Sun.

Ladies and gentlemen, but especially ladies, I just wanted you to know that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is about to enter that time of year I like to call “springtime”.


Kensington needs flood defences, too

I haven’t even left my penthouse so far this winter. I don’t like rain, you see, and, well, it’s been drizzling, hasn’t it?

But there’s one area of the country the Environment Agency seems to have completely forgotten about. Now they’re making 1,500 job cuts, I fear it will be washed away altogether.

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