The much-coveted FIFA World Cup of Corruption has been won for a fifth consecutive time by Sepp Blatter, a Swiss pensioner renowned for his deadly backhanders.

In a tense grand final in Zurich, the centre of global corruption, Blatter successfully retained his title with a dominant display of free-flowing, attacking bribes.

England’s first wild population of beaver in 300 years has dammed parliament.

According to river sources, the resourceful rodents have built a 10-metre tall dam preventing politicians from entering Westminster.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate sport. But the Commonwealth Games is different, isn’t it?

This is a less a multi-sporting event and more a reassertion of the rule of the British Empire. Whether you like it or not, the Queen is still the boss of lawn bowls.

Are you wealthy? Famous? Considering tax avoidance? Not sure what you’re going to say if you get caught and everyone demands you forfeit your OBE?

Now I’m not usually the first person you’ll hear complaining about indecent exposure, but when it comes to the murky assets of an island that is making me millions, I want them to be kept safely covered up with the kind of security that only a bra, or an offshore bank account, can provide.

Yes, I want Rihanna’s nipples to remain a closely-guarded state secret.

George Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.