The multinational firm distributing Ebola across Europe is set to sue the British government after ‘harsh’ measures against the virus were imposed at UK airports.

Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.

Are you hungry? I said; are you hungry? Good. That’s very good. Because we’ve just made a pizza that will make you forget what hunger feels like.

Normal old boring pizza chains use dough made from flour and yeast and all of that stuff. We don’t do that. We make our pizza dough out of bacon.

A wave of deadly new hysteria is sweeping the UK, health experts warn.

The mind-numbing delirium has caused at least one person to shoot themself in the face this week, and many more are threatening to do the same, we reckon.

Saving lives will be made illegal by a new ‘Death Bill’ currently making its way through Parliament.

Anyone caught doing CPR, telling their mate to quit smoking or organising a campaign to save their local hospital will be thrown in jail under powers granted by the new law, should it be passed.

Are you 100 percent healthy? Have you never met a doctor? Have you never felt pain? No?

Are you able to run as fast as James Ellington? Jump as far as JJ Jegede? Swim as fast as Mark Foster? No idea who these people are?

After the epic Great British summer we have had, the drug of competition has got many of us hooked. We want more.

Jeremy Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle.

The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.