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Introducing the new ‘instant death’ pizza!

Death by pizzaAre you hungry? I said; are you hungry? Good. That’s very good. Because we’ve just made a pizza that will make you forget what hunger feels like.

Normal old boring pizza chains use dough made from flour and yeast and all of that stuff. We don’t do that. We make our pizza dough out of bacon.

This isn’t just pizza dough stuffed with bacon, this is a base built out of bacon. And we’ve not oven cooked it. No, we’ve deep fried it. In batter.

Yes, that’s right. Our pizzas have a battered bacon base. Drooling yet? Good.

Now, most pizza bases are initially covered in sauce. Not ours. First, we spread a block of butter all over it.

Then comes the sauce. Most standard pizzerias rather boringly use a traditional tomato base made out of actual tomatoes. Not us. Our sauce is made from baked beans.

Ready for the toppings? Firstly, we’ve a layer of cheese. Not real cheese, but the American kind of sliced cheese. We use about 16 of these slices to completely cover our pizzas.

Then, we slap on a layer of reconstituted beef. Followed by a layer of chicken nuggets, a layer of macaroni cheese and a layer of garlic bread. Swiftly followed, of course, by a layer of curly fries.

Then comes our final layer of cheese – Camembert. And the final dollop of sauce – garlic mayonnaise. Sprinkled on top is 500g of pork scratchings.

But before we are ready to serve this masterpiece we have one final, deathly twist. The entire pizza is encased in an inch-thick layer of lard and frozen solid.

Then, and only then, is it ready to be stuffed inside the stomach of a walrus and pan fried for 45 minutes.

Sound good? Salivating? Well pick up the phone because this bad boy is ready to roll. Just as you will be after you’ve eaten it.

All you need to do is call us and ask us for the ‘instant death’ pizza. We’ll know what you mean. As will your family in about an hour’s time.

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