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Healthy Planet “Financially Non-Viable”

Greenpeace 'Save The Arctic' banner outside a Shell garage

Saving the planet would cause a new financial crisis, The Taxman can exclusively reveal.

The discovery was made by the personal assistants of world leaders at the Rio+20 Earth Summit, who wrote a secret document that we found buried under a whale carcass on Copacabana beach.

The communiqué signed by every nation’s top secretary except those from Africa, South America and Asia stated that the prevention of a mass extinction event would severely threaten the ability of banks to lend to small businesses.

Avoiding a collapse of the world’s ecosystems would even cause exponential inflation, the PAs to such absent heads of state as Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and Queen Elizabeth II revealed.

“Planet Earth’s economic recovery and the future prospects for profitability would be irrevocably damaged were we to try and save the environment,” the secretary to Albert II, Prince of Monaco, told us, here at The Taxman.

“A habitable world that does not reek of death could also jeopardise the capital bonds market, offshore liquidity, and the global price of pencil sharpeners.

“We can only conclude, therefore, that a healthy planet is financially non-viable and that the subsidising by taxpayers of an unhealthy, yet highly profitable, fossil fuel industry must continue.”

However, the PAs stopped short of claiming that gender equality, the right to food, or universal healthcare, were also threats to profitabilty.

These terms were instead deleted from the final version of the text by Hillary Clinton’s masseuse.

“There is no way we can afford to not excavate the oil locked under the Arctic seabed,” Nick Clegg explained.

“Imagine if we just left it there and used solar panels to harness the renewable energy from the sun to power our economies instead.

“The stock market might dip for a couple days and there’s a risk we might not destroy the world’s ecosystems.”


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