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Three reasons why immigration must be curbed

Prince Philip's favourite foodImmigration is the reason why your life is shit, and if we don’t do something to curb it soon the very fabric of our beloved British society will collapse in on itself, creating a void into which all of us will be sucked and crushed to death.

In this column I want to set out the three reasons why I know this to be the case. Amid all the clamour and jostling among politicians to be seen to be getting a grip on immigration – which even they must now recognise is Britain’s biggest problem (yes, even bigger than paedophilia) – there are still billions of immigrants sneaking into this country every year.

But what damage exactly is immigration doing? How long will it be before an immigrant steals your job and rapes your wife and eats your dog? Allow me to explain, clearly and simply, the three reasons why immigration is the biggest threat to you and your family.

1) Graham Norton

What’s easily forgotten about the face of Friday night television – and retiring Sir Bruce Forsyth’s heir apparent – is that he’s Irish. What has it come to when the top TV presenter of the British Broadcasting Company is a dirty foreigner? And from one of our former outposts no less!

It’s one thing that immigrants have been allowed to operate our launderettes and our GP surgeries, but plastering them all over our televisions? Someone pass me the sick bag.

What’s worse, I’d venture, is how this type of creeping multiculturalism is going unnoticed. You might be quick to protest Norton’s sexuality, but whoever mentions his nationality?

It’s the elephant in the room, and its trunk is about to snatch your wallet.

2) Prince Philip

These days, immigrants are everywhere you look. Even the most English family in England have been infiltrated. Step forward Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh and husband of our great monarch Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II.

Although Clarence House has tried to cover it up, a simple Freedom of Information request reveals that Philip is a big fat Greek, born in Corfu in 1921. He was even baptised into the Greek Orthodox Church.

Now I know what you’re thinking. If Prince Philip really is Greek, why are we not all hairy and sweaty? Well, we have Her Maj to thank for that. She warned her husband on the eve of her coronation, that if he even thought about turning Buckingham Palace into a kebab shop, she’d ditch him for one of her other cousins.

But you only have to look at the multicultural shambles that Britain has become over the last 62 years to see the influence this immigrant has had. His wife may not realise it, but Prince Philip has been covertly destroying our borders for decades.

Denied his dream of opening the world’s grandest Greek takeaway, the Duke has instead used his seat at Britain’s head table to tear up its immigration controls. Millions of West Indians, Africans, Asians, Europeans and Welsh have arrived here on his watch.

Now we’re all supposed to come together to celebrate this atrocity with lavish street parties. Are you kidding? My grandad didn’t die in the First World War a hundred years ago for Britain to be ruled by faux-racist Greek overlords.

3) Boris Johnson

Yes, that’s right. Reason number three for curbing immigration is the man you voted in as Mayor of London six years ago, and the man who most people, polls suggest, mistakenly believe to already be prime minister.

But what you probably don’t know about good ol’ BoJo is that he was born in New York in June 1964. The man is a filthy immigrant, no better than that Turkish doctor who spotted your uncle’s cancer early enough for it to be surgically removed.

And why should we fear immigrants like Boris Johnson? Just imagine it for a second. I know you already have. Boris wins the keys to 10 Downing Street, on a populist ticket of free enterprise, airport expansion and zero-tolerance policing.

Upon beginning his five-year term, however, Boris quickly realises his error. Under his government’s strict anti-immigration policy, he will have to deport himself within a week. Where would that leave Britain? In the hands of the anarchists, that’s where.

Now I warn you. Fear not the immigrant who speaks Spanish and sleeps with your wife while you’re at work. Fear the immigrant with a British accent who invites you and your missus to an orgy.

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