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Obama Shot JFK, Claims Clinton

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US presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has claimed that Demcratic rival Barack Obama was John F Kennedy’s assassin.

The assertion came just hours after the latest polls suggested that Clinton’s earlier rebuke – that Obama was the spawn of satan – had failed to swing any momentum her way.

The former First Lady was campaigning in the build up to two key primaries, which she both must win to retain any hope of winning the Democratic nomination, when she made a speech from the same spot at which John F Kennedy had been shot dead some 45 years earlier.

“I stand here now with the knowledge that Kennedy’s death was not all that it seemed,” said Clinton.

“I have some news that will shock you all. For it was not a man who shot JFK. Nor was it a woman. No. It was an infant Barack Obama.”

Mr Obama, born two years before the infamous assassination, currently holds a six-point lead over Mrs Clinton in Texas and is almost level with her in Ohio according to the latest poll released this morning. Clinton dismissed the news.

“I don’t care about the results of some stupid poll,” she said with tears streaming down her face. “I care about who killed this great president.

“Why did he have to die so young? He was a father, a husband, a hero to so many Americans. Then Barack crawled up the grassy verge with his rifle and pulled the trigger [sob].

“He’s a bad man. A really, really nasty, smelly, evil man.”

With Texas and Ohio voting on Tuesday, the Clinton campaign machine are pulling out all the stops to regain Hillary’s lead in the bid for the delegate nominations that will ultimately decide which Democrat enters the 2008 presidential election.

“I hate you, Barack Obama!” added senator Clinton, as husband Bill grabbed her hand and pulled her off the stage.

Meanwhile, in the Republican race, 71-year-old John McCain is enjoying a relatively comfortable lead in his own party’s nomination campaign.

“Yippie kay yay, mother fuckers,” he said on Thursday while sporting a ripped white vest.

“Where are all the frickin’ bad guys?” he added.


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