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Nothing that is fun can ever possibly be bad for you

Gazprom oil rig, Arctic OceanWell, that’s that then. We’ve finally won the argument. The proof for man-made climate change is conclusive. Conclusively wrong.

Thank you, IPCC. You’ve shown, once and for all, that global warming is a big pile of old rubbish, burning in a completely harmless incinerator.


The planet stopped warming 15 years ago, the IPCC finally admitted last week. And, as that’s the case, the melting ice caps can’t possibly have anything to do with my 97 business flights a year to Barbados. It feels good to be proved right, after taking so much flak for all these years. It’s like a huge sack of coal has been lifted off my shoulders and thrown into a power station that won’t ever get that pointless carbon capture bollocks fitted to it.


Jeremy Clarkson was right. Rex Tillerson was right. George Bush was right. The Koch brothers were right. David Bellamy was right. Nick Griffin was right. Lord Lawson was right. Nigel Farage was right. George Osborne was right. The environment secretary, Owen Paterson, was right. And, of course, my old mate Boris Johnson was right.

What all these good, honest, everyday citizens recognised was that the only people complaining about global warming were those without money or power. And since when did their opinions count for anything? Hippies, squatters, criminals, charities, scientists, David Attenborough. The only actual MP who still believes in man-made climate change is Caroline Lucas. And not only is she not a man, but she’s also on bail, pending her next court appearance. Enough said.


There was a short time when I went against my better judgment and decided that all those scientists, what with their degrees in science and everything, might actually be correct about their scientific consensus. But what had actually happened was I’d been brainwashed by spending too much time with the hippies in Copenhagen for that big conference thingy in 2009. I’ve never forgiven myself for it, but then, at least when I got fed up with the vegetarianism and the cycling, I had the good grace to hold my hands up and admit that I’d made a mistake. Eating meat and driving and flying were more fun after all – and that meant the scientists must be wrong. Because nothing that is fun can ever possibly be bad for you.


So what now? Well, the IPCC has given us the thumbs-up to carry on digging. Not that we ever stopped! It just means that now we needn’t bother trying to pretend we’re green while we’re doing it. Russian oil giant Gazprom has the right idea. They’ve detained 30 hippies from Greenpeace and confiscated their little boat for good measure! Haha, that’ll teach them for trying to ‘save the world’. What world do they think they’re trying to save, anyhow? If they stop Gazprom from digging for oil in the Arctic Ocean, we might one day run out of it. And if we run out of oil, the world will end. I mean, its not as if there’s any viable alternatives to it, is there? Come on now. Let’s have some common sense here. Russia is leading the way on this and we need to back them. Peaceful protest will not be tolerated anymore.


Me and Boris are going to team up again for a new business venture. All I can say is that it has something to do with gas and high water pressure. But I’ve already said too much. So pretend you didn’t hear that. No-one is supposed to know until after the 2015 General Election.


It’s been a while since I felt this optimistic. The last 15 years have been difficult for the upper classes, you know. I mean, you’ve really no idea exactly how difficult. Everyone has been having a pop at us, but no-one, until now, has actually listened to what we had to say about it. Finally, now, the truth is out. And we can move on. Onwards and downwards, as they say in the oil industry. Onwards and downwards.

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