Hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing war, murder, rape and economic collapse are set to make new homes deep within Jeremy Corbyn’s beard.

The newly-elected Labour Party leader said there was “plenty of room” in and around the hair follicles of his silver facial fuzz for the refugees to “start a new life” free from violence and fear.

A chilling new Islamic State video starring homegrown terrorist Jihadi John shows a Western hostage being gruesomely detained without charge.

The terrifying tape shows in graphic detail how the hostage’s mind gradually turns to mush after spending just one hour outside his cell each day for over a decade.

The Scottish Parliament will not be bombed in any targeted airstrike, David Cameron has vowed.

A group of storytellers who believe in a particular version of events, some concerning characters with magical powers, are killing groups who like to tell slightly different stories about similar characters.

None of the storytelling groups have been able to conclusively prove that their narratives are correct, largely because the key events took place several hundred years ago and the protagonists have long since died, but this has not stopped them using violence to try and enforce their claims.

I’d love nothing more than to review an album for you right now, tell you about how some band or solo artist is going to make it big, or be doomed to a perpetual cycle of reality TV show auditions.

But I can’t do that. I’m so distraught I can’t even bear to listen to Radiohead.

Everybody’s talking about diplomacy, amnesty, treaty, democracy, unity, harmony, tea, coffee and the plight of the honeybee.

All I’m saying is give war a chance.

Inspectors deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find “concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence” that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.

And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at “one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the North West”.