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Cameron Rejects Airstrikes On Scotland

Army general points at Scotland map

The Scottish Parliament will not be bombed in any targeted airstrike, David Cameron has vowed.

The UK prime minister said the airstrikes would “definitely not happen” because Scotland is going to vote ‘no’ in the upcoming referendum on independence.

Cameron made the promise in a sombre speech from Arthur’s Seat, an extinct volcano overlooking Edinburgh that will remain extinct after independence is rejected.

Flanked by military officials, Cameron said: “I promise we will not bomb the Scottish Parliament in Holyrood, nor the home of your leader, Alex Salmond, once Scotland has voted ‘no’ to independence.

“I also promise that we will not blow up any oil rigs, destroy any whiskey distilleries, kidnap any high-ranking tennis players or extradite any actors who have portrayed a well-known fictional spy.”

The Tory leader stared directly into the camera as he made the declaration, fixing his gaze and barely blinking as he spoke.

“These are not warnings, these are promises. Airstrikes, and many other potentially very bad things, will not be exacted on the good people of Scotland following a ‘no’ vote on Thursday.

“My intention is not to scare you, but merely to provide you with all of the facts, so that when you go to the ballot box you can make an informed decision.

“The right decision.”

The First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond was informed of the prime minister’s comments during his weekly bagpipes lesson.

“Where are the nukes?” Salmond asked rhetorically as he tightened his kilt.

“The submarines are in Faslane, on the Gareloch, and the warheads are eight miles away at Coulport on Loch Long. Both these places are in Scotland.

“I’m sure Cameron hasn’t forgotten that.”

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