William Hague ‘Madly In Love With John Kerry’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out.

“Hague is pretty head-over heels,” a government insider said.

“He’ll do anything that man wants him too. Kerry has his heart and soul.

“He is ready to give himself to him, completely.”

The MP for Richmond (Yorks) continues to try to keep his infatuation a secret, despite being caught with his pants around his ankles while watching TV archive footage of Kerry’s 2004 speech to the Democratic Party Convention, in which the Vietnam veteran accepted the nomination for his ill-fated bid to become president.

Rumours have persisted that Hague had fallen for him ‘in a big way’ ever since Kerry was chosen to succeed Hillary Clinton last year at the State Department, bringing him into close and intimate contact with his opposite number in Westminster.

Political commentators said the love affair was, quite frankly, the only plausible explanation for why Hague was happy to allow the sovereignty of his own government be ceded to the US corporate machine, through the proposed Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP).

“Hague will do anything for Kerry, whether giving him his coat to keep him warm, or signing a new bilateral free trade deal that will open the British state to potentially unlimited compensation claims from US firms upset about regulations designed to protect the public from harmful business practices,” Gay Times editor Darren Scott explained.

“While the Tories are willing to hold a referendum on the European Union because of concerns the UK is giving away too much power to bureaucrats in Brussels, Hague seems only too happy to let John Kerry caress his inner thigh.”

Negotiating texts between the EU and US on the mechanisms by which corporations will hold governments to ransom, to enable them to destroy environmental and social health protections, will be viewable by business lobbyists but not the public.

CCTV footage of Hague giving Kerry a very thorough handshake at a recent White House visit will also be withheld from the public domain.

Hague said he was looking forward to entering into more private discussions with his US counterpart in the near future.

“Talks are going well, thank you”, he told a press conference.

“However, may I please remind journalists that my private life is indeed just that – private.

“I do not wish to fuel any further speculation as to which base I’ve reached with John, or exactly why I’ve agreed to his demand that US corporations tie me up and spank me hard.”