Team GB One Gold From Solving Eurozone Crisis

Team GB is just one Olympic gold medal short of a total which would entirely recapitalise Europe’s debt-ridden banks and save the single currency from oblivion.

Victory this afternoon for Nicola Adams in the first Olympic women’s boxing final in history, plus another gold for a horse, means that Great Britain’s elephantine medal haul is now big enough to erase the contagion of fear among continental traders and return the Eurozone to its pre-crisis state of blissful ignorance.

Two more golds at London 2012 would bring peace to Syria, five more would make atmospheric greenhouse gases return to their pre-industrial level and, should Britain achieve the unthinkable and overhaul the US in the medal table, London 2012 organiser Seb Coe would become likeable.

Coe told The Taxman: “I couldn’t be more delighted. I think if I was more delighted I’d fail a dope test and my gold medal in Delighting would be given instead to Steve Cram.”

Team GB has exceeded expectations at London 2012, first by surpassing the medal total from Beijing four years ago and then by making us forget who Gore Vidal was.

The Games began with Britain’s history of slaughtering and enslaving indigenous populations erased by Danny Boyle. But after waiting four days for a first gold medal it looked as though Team GB was about to re-ignite tensions between the Roundheads and Cavaliers.

One week and 24 gold medals later, the country is in a state of orgasmic euphoria.

Water polo spectator Ben Harris said: “I’ve completely forgotten how much I hate immigrants. In fact, I think they might be quite useful after all. Can we keep them?”

Asked if she thought the rampant social inequality which led to our cities being stormed by materialist gangs of unemployed youth one year ago had been solved by Britain’s Olympic success, cycling fanatic Shirley James said: “Unemployed? I don’t know what you mean.

“All I know is I love this country and I want to shag Laura Trott.”

Despite the glory and undeniable superiority of Great Britain, not just at these Olympic Games but in every other facet of human endeavour, pundits predict that we are still about 18 gold medals away from forgetting how much of a tool Nick Clegg is.