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Discrimination ‘Hard Work’

A Deling pollsterDiscriminating against people based on their race, gender, sexuality, class or other predetermined characteristic is a lot more difficult than it used to be, a survey of elderly rural folk has found.

Being prejudiced and getting away with it now requires planning, strategy, guile and a work ethic that is beyond the capability of most stupid, narrow-minded people.

As Berkshire bed and breakfast owner Susanne Wilkinson prepared to start yet another round of legal proceedings in her bid to discriminate against homosexuals, nationwide research suggested she was not the only bigot struggling to pursue her innate hatred for humanity.

“Previously, I could just use my religion as an excuse for treating people like dirt,” Ms Wilkinson complained after her latest defeat in court.

“Now, according to some ‘judge’, one has to actually plan and co-ordinate such discrimination, and be discreet about it.

“It’s not fair.”

The survey conducted by pollsters Deling, on behalf of the Daily Telegraph, found that 96 per cent of bigots were spending at least twice as many hours each week on maintaining the same level of prejudicial output as they were 40 years ago, while 14 per cent had actually ‘given up’ on discriminating in public because it was too much effort these days.

A Deling spokesbabe said: “Our research indicates that the main reason for decreasing incidents of discrimination is not a reduction in prejudice overall, but rather, a lack of skill and determination to verbalise that prejudice in a way which does not get oneself plastered all over The Guardian.

“New laws have created a minefield of potential booby-traps for the British bigot, who, not so long ago, enjoyed free reign on all things phobic.”

Home Secretary Theresa May vowed to tackle some of the issues the Deling poll raised and help break down the barriers to discrimination.

“At the moment, only human rights are enshrined by law,” Ms May explained, “but what about bigots? Surely they have rights too?”

Some groups have even taken to the streets to try and reclaim their freedom to discriminate. The British National Party, English Defence League and Countryside Alliance have all staged protests in Westminster recently, often with large numbers of police following them.

Famous bigot Katie Hopkins told us, here at The Taxman: “I’m speaking out on behalf of a bigoted nation which has suffered in silence for too long.

“Yes, sometimes it is hard work being a xenophobe, misogynist, homophobe or Tory backbencher, but the rewards are still worth it.

“Okay, so you might have to do a bit of Googling or Facebooking to find someone’s sexual preference, or, say, go down to your town hall and look at the electoral register to determine whether a new workmate or croquet team member lives in a desirable neighbourhood, but, at least doing that means you’ll get away with it.

“Sometimes, instead of shouting ‘bender!!!’ at a new male acquaintance, you have to ask them if they watch Made In Chelsea. And instead of telling the pikies to ‘go back to Dublin’ you have to ask their opinion on Irish music and then tell them you’ve got no vacancies.

“We can’t all be handed a platform on a daytime TV show from which to release our pent-up bigotry, without fear of retribution, but that’s no reason to keep all that persecution to yourself.”

The Deling poll also found that 100 per cent of chavs don’t deserve a job.

However, a British Telecoms engineer said: “Everyone knows Telegraph polls are redundant anyway.

“These days cables get buried.”

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