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The end of the world starts here

Two cows eat grass

I can’t believe what’s happening to me. Gone are the fast women, the fast cars and the fast food. I’ve started recycling, gardening and celibacy. Okay, well, I only started the latter this morning after a nasty experience with a Russian hooker, but you catch my drift. I’ve changed.

Whatever you say about Copenhagen, it was an historic moment. One I’ll remember forever. And now that I’ve seen the error of my gluttonous ways, I’m not going to let an email scandal and a few dodgy scientists get me down. The end of the world starts here.


I have to admit, I’m still trying to get the hang of all this climate lingo. Sure, I can tell you the difference between a black cloud and a white cloud, but start talking to me about carbon footprints and I’m lost. I thought it was something coal miners get, but apparently its more to do with short-haul flights and boiling kettles. Anyway, it’s bad, and you should reduce yours.


Another thing that’s bad is farting cows. The problem is that they just can’t hold in all that gas. It’s the grass they eat, apparently. It’s like, a million times worse than baked beans. So when they let one loose, all of this carbon goes into the atmosphere. It wouldn’t be happening if we didn’t farm so intensively. Why not swap your beef burger for a salad? No?


See what these ‘climate change deniers’ don’t understand is that when you start fucking with a delicately balanced, fragile eco-system, there’s going to be consequences. You don’t need a scientist to tell you that. Well, I did, but then, I’m a weatherman. I’m a bit short on logic.


Another thing I’ve started doing is leaving my 4×4 at home when I cross the road to pick up my copy of The Taxman. You see, round Kensington, there’s all these rich fuckers like me who think that driving these huge Earth cancers on wheels is going to keep them safe – protect them from the real world where people are poor and dying because the evil companies they work for will stop at nothing to make a quick profit. I’m going to scrap mine and buy a pair of running shoes instead.


I’m also reading a book by a chap called George Monbiot. He reckons we still have time to change the course we’re on, still have time to change the direction this country is headed. We can still cut our carbon emissions quickly enough and drastically enough to prevent runaway warming – so long as we act now. Right now. Hang on, wait. What’s that? It was written in 2006? You fuckers.


Well I’ll tell you what I’ve learned this week. Celibacy can’t last forever. It just can’t. At least not when your next-door neighbour is a 21-year-old Swedish nympho looking to make it in the weather forecasting biz. Oh, and the other thing is, we’ve left it too late to save the world by abstinence alone. Sure, it helps. It’s common fucking sense, even. But we need more than that now. We need to violently overthrow our government. And I think I know how.


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