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Shoot me in the knee caps – anything but more rain


A colleague of mine was telling me the other day about this new weather thing called global warming.

I had no idea what he was on about to be honest, but apparently it’s meant to make everywhere hotter. Sweet. That’s all I needed to know!


You’ve got to love bank holiday weekends – except when it rains. Bloody typical. I am so angry with the weather gods right now. Global warming my arse.


Here it is, that extra day off work that you’ve been looking forward to for so long. Well, I’m devastated to have to say that it’s going to bloody piss down. Don’t blame me – I’m just the messenger. I might get my GP to hook me up with some anti-depressants just to help me through it.


It’s getting bloody stupid now. Four straight days of rain. What is this? Noah’s Ark? Not only that, but the temperatures will be plummeting too. Where’s this global warming then? Eh? What a load of shit my colleague was on about. The cheek of him to start telling me about the weather anyway – I’m the meteorologist. He’s just a cleaner. Cheeky bastard.


What I have done to deserve this? Have I wronged in some way? Have I committed sin? If I have, then please, I ask for your forgiveness. Five days of rain is too much punishment for any man to take. Hang me up on a cross. Shoot me in the knee caps. Anything but more rain.


I am going to kill myself.



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