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I hope you’re insured, because tornadoes will be flattening your house

Timmy the tortoise

Ahhhhh, spring. The leaves are back on the trees, the days are getting longer and my pet tortoise Timmy is out of hibernation.

If I was a betting man, I’d wager that summer was on its way. Then again, this is Britain, so, you can never be too sure.


I bet you thought you’d be able to do some gardening this weekend. Maybe have a family day out. Wrong! If it’s not raining where you are, it’ll be bloody cold instead. Overcast all over the place. And a biting wind to boot. Have a good one – I’m taking a weekend break in Spain!


I bloody hate Mondays. When I buy my peerage I’m going vote for a four-day week. If it’s any consolation, the winds have died down, the rain has moved on and the sun has come out. Still, it’s not exactly California dreaming.


Call all your friends! Get the barbecues out! Summer has arrived! That’s right, not only will it be the hottest day of the year so far, it’ll be the hottest March day since Britain became detached from Pangaea!


Forget it. Just forget it. Those barbecues can go back in the garden shed. Electrical storms will sweep the country. And if you’re in Lincolnshire, I hope you’re insured, because tornadoes will be flattening your house.


Oh baby, the good times are back. The storm clouds are long gone and this time summer really has arrived. Scorching sunshine will brighten the lives of all those who may now be homeless. For the rest of us, it’s going be one big party!


Call the police because those continental bastards have stolen our sunshine. Again. I swear, there’s something bizarre going on here. It must be some kind of climatic shift. Or maybe it’s an ongoing global pattern of meteorological anomalies. You know what – I have no idea what it is. But there’s got to be some sort of conspiracy because Timmy has just gone back into hibernation and conkers are falling off the trees. Oh well. Suppose I’ll just hop on another cheap flight to Spain.


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