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How the hell do you poison a vegan?

Roy, the coy carp

What a year’s it’s been. First I lost the coy carp, then I got some new coy carp, then I got married, then I went to Australia, then I went to Mexico and got really, really sick, then I went to Barbados, then I went to Hawaii for a crucial World Meteorologist Rain Avoidance Conference, now I’m back in Blighty and apparently the new wife wants a new divorce!

Well, I said, so long as I get to keep the coy carp I don’t give a damn.


That rain avoidance conference really did the trick. Since I’ve been back in the UK, the only rain I’ve seen has been on the telly. So I switched the channel. Might even have a barbecue for Halloween actually. If there’s any single ladies out there who want to join me, just get in touch. You know where to go.


I wanted to stay in Australia for a lot longer, but my wife insisted I come home with her from our so-called ‘honeymoon’. Apparently you’re supposed to stick together during these things. I even tried to fry her an egg while we were out there, but I found out she’s a fucking vegan. How the hell do you poison a vegan?


When I was in hospital in Mexico my doctor said I was one of the lucky ones. “Hey amigo, this virus killed my brother, my mother-in-law and my bartender.” I told him if he got me a Mexican visa I’d give him my mother-in-law and we’d be brothers for life. “No deal amigo,” he said, “without tequila, I can’t cope with another fucking mother-in-law. Ay caramba!”


Barbados was great. No wife, no projectile vomiting, no hassle. Just me, my new female assistant, and a beach. Then I got a look at the hurricane that was on its way and decided to catch the next plane to Honolulu.


I’d still be in Hawaii now if my credit cards hadn’t all run out. My second divorce in as many years won’t help either. Might even have to sell one of my Spanish villas. Tough times.


Got an angry phone call from those idiots at The Taxman today. They said if I don’t start doing what they pay me the minimum wage to do and forecast the fucking weather, they’d send me to Copenhagen for the UN climate change talks in December. “Denmark in winter?” I asked, “don’t you know I’ve never been further north than Luton?”


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