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Team GB One Gold From Solving Eurozone Crisis

Team GB is just one Olympic gold medal short of a total which would entirely recapitalise Europe’s debt-ridden banks and save the single currency from oblivion.

Victory this afternoon for Nicola Adams in the first Olympic women’s boxing final in history, plus another gold for a horse, means that Great Britain’s elephantine medal haul is now big enough to erase the contagion of fear among continental traders and return the Eurozone to its pre-crisis state of blissful ignorance.


We need people in tailored suits, not tracksuits

I’ll admit, I wasn’t looking forward to covering London 2012. The only sport I play is golf, and prior to last month I’d never been beyond Zone 2 on the tube. But it’s actually not so bad out in the East End.

The Olympic venues are nice and spacious, with lots of spare seats for me to put my feet up on. It’s easy to get around in a car by driving in the special Olympic lanes for just £130 a time. And this morning I was rung up by my mate Boris Johnson who said he wanted to give me 250 all-access tickets as a “thank you” for getting him re-elected.


Olympic Terrorism Doubts After Suicide Bombers Go AWOL

London 2012 may not be hit by a deadly wave of suicide bombings after Al-Qaeda admitted it passed its responsibility for terrorism to a private contractor.

The revelation came as the London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games (Locog) staged a practice drill for a terrorist attack during the opening ceremony, at which bomb-laden martyrs were expected to rip a hole in the Olympic Stadium.


The drone of London 2012

Two weeks of joy and bliss and happiness are looming upon our horizon.

All will be well and fine and good and the only thing that matters is who can run the fastest, jump the highest, throw the farthest and compel a horse to complete an obstacle course in the most elegant fashion.


I’m sure I can find plenty of publicly accessible open green spaces in and around the Olympic Park

Because I have lived in London ever since I became rich, I am well placed to report on the London 2012 Olympic Games this summer. I did also cover Beijing 2008, and what an inspirational event that was.

So in anticipation of such fun and frivolity making its way to these shores from 27th July, I have decided to visit East London for the first time in my life, to take part in some sporting activities. What with the government promoting ‘sport for all’ and throwing billions at these Games, I’m sure I can find plenty of publicly accessible open green spaces in and around the Olympic Park in Stratford to get my sweat on.


Poo On The Queen

Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II has been covered by faeces.


We don’t need anyone to make decisions and change things

There’s a dark cloud hanging over this city, and it’s threatening to rain on the people of London for four years straight. We must unite against this threat, we must stick together in these tough times and fight that which would strike us down and besmirch us.

And to what form does this threat manifest itself? Why, it’s Kenneth Robert Livingstone, I presume.

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