David Cameron has unveiled the winning entries in the Conservative Party’s nationwide policy hunt.

In a land now largely owned and leased back from corporations, the role of the state could not be in more doubt.

From Thatcher to Major to Blair to Brown, the transfer of our public services to private enterprise has proceeded unabated for over 30 years. It is likely to continue, whoever wins on 6th May. But is it really important who serves us? So long as we get what we need, does it matter if the water we drink is contaminated with greed?

A millennium is now happening every seven days, weather forecasters have confirmed.

If you’re going to cut public spending to help pay off the national debt, instead of taxing those to blame for causing said debt, at least do it properly.

The Conservative Party’s idiotic plans to cut £23billion over the course of the next parliament, or £5.75billion on average each year, will make the poor poorer and the even poorer shit-poor. They’ll be freezing public sector pay, slashing benefits and privatising anything that isn’t nailed down to Whitehall.

Vociferous campaigners against plans to build a wind farm in Middle England say they have no problem with 50-metre electricity pylons, nor anything else that has been forcibly added to or taken away from the rural landscape over the last 10,000 years since man first settled on this forested island.

The school-age children of retired banker Sir Fred Goodwin have admitted waging a violent hate campaign against their father.

Christmas this year has been cancelled, as millions of Britons are now unable to consume at the level required.

The recession means that the three core values of Christmas – shopping, spending and eating – are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism’s most cherished payday.