A new Orbital Astronomical Train (Oat) will be built to whizz businessmen around the Earth at 2,500mph, in a bid to make them all go away.

Eventually, Oat will extend far enough to dump office-type people on the Moon, but for the first century of its operation passengers will have to make do with the mediocrity of a perpetual geosynchronous orbit.

David Cameron and his coalition government are doing everything within their power to destroy the British state.

The Conservative Party hate the idea of a big, overarching government providing lots of useful public services, and since winning back power two years ago they have pursued every avenue they could find in order to scale down the state’s ambitions.

Climate change has stopped, The Taxman understands.

Great Britain will be tarmacked and covered by giant advertising hoardings that can be seen by air passengers from 30,000 feet in new plans announced by the government today.

A fake story with fake quotes reporting the opposite of what actually happened was written by an illegal immigrant whom the Daily Mail was forced to employ because he owned a cat, the newspaper’s sadistic editor has explained.

Britain’s rioters and looters are absolutely fucking petrified of going to prison and have all agreed to stop causing trouble in a desperate bid to avoid losing their freedom.

The nation’s top badgers have agreed to a widespread cull of human beings in a bid to stop rampant idiocy getting out of control.