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Profit-Making Press ‘Against Rules Which Harm Profit’

Corporations which make money by selling news say they don’t want a new law which could make it more difficult for them to make money by selling news.

The newspapers fear legislation proposed by Lord Justice Leveson could even force them to write “boring” stories which tell the truth and aren’t full of entertaining, profitable lies.

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Angela Merkel ‘Stockpiling Coal’

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to be stockpiling coal as part of a plan to impoverish millions of labourers across Europe.

Mountains of the fossil fuel have been spotted adjacent to each of the treasuries of France, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Ireland as Merkel prepares to win control of their money supplies.

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Plan B: Ill Manors

I’ve done it. After a year of gentle sucking at the teat of Britain’s Best Bank*, I’ve finally been accepted as a fully-fledged, fully-paid-up Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge.

None of my recommendations so far have received nominations in the 2012 awards, just over two tantalising weeks away, but I have been allowed to cast my vote at the upcoming quarterly board meeting at Barclays HQ.

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Jeremy Clarkson Named Minister for Road Safety

Jeremy Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle.

The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.

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Under-25s ‘Should Be Killed’

Every Briton under the age of 25 years must be slain, David Cameron has said.

The Prime Minister believes any citizen born after 1987 does not have the right to life and should be violently exterminated forthwith.

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Laziness Levels Getting Lazier

Laziness levels in Britain have risen to a 16-year high.

More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.

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