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War On Peace

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Nato forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion – after they have finished crushing the Taliban sometime in 2073 – will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry.

The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors.

Once complete, Nato say the word ‘peace’ will no longer have its own definition. Instead it will simply state: “See war.”

Nato Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer told The Taxman: “Once we’ve finished slaying the Afghani people, our war with the dictionary will be our most blood-soaked ever – no page will be left unturned.

“The North Atlantic Treaty that we are charged with upholding certifies our desire to live in peace with all peoples and governments.

“The only way we know how to do that is by carpet-bombing those evil shits who define peace as nothing to do with killing. Well guess what, assholes, it does!”

As the only North Atlantic victims of a pre-2001 Al-Qaeda attack, since 2001 the United States has succeeded in overseeing the organisation in Afghanistan of several further North Atlantic Al-Qaeda attacks; while murdering thousands of innocent Afghani people, slashing adult literacy rates, cutting life expectancy and plummeting the nation’s human development index to make it officially the poorest country outside of sub-Saharan Africa and the fourth poorest in the entire world.

“We’re getting there,” Mr Scheffer continued. “What you failed to mention is that opium cultivation is up by about 2,000 percent, and GDP is up 30 percent. Score!”

Meanwhile, plans for the Oxford Dictionary invasion – codenamed Operation Shoot ‘Em Up – remain sketchy.

“All I can reveal is that it will involve killing. Lots and lots of painful, bloody death and gore,” continued Nato chief Scheffer.

“Did I mention killing?”

A dictionary spokesman responded: “I’m not really worried. All I need to do is hide in the filing cabinet and they’ll never be able to find me.

“Oh, and by the way, ‘codenamed’ should have a hyphen in it.”


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