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Torch-Snatching To Become Olympic Sport

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A brand new event will be debuted at this years’ Olympic Games in Beijing, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) have announced, following an unprecedented wave of popularity across the globe for snatching torches.

‘Torch-snatching’ involves celebrities carrying a lit torch through streets while being chased by hundreds of competitors all attempting to extinguish the flame. The gold medallist will be the first athlete both to snatch the torch and extinguish it.

IOC president, Jacques Rogge, explained why the committee had decided to include the sport at such short notice.

“For us it is simple. Torch-snatching fulfils our criteria of being widely practised by men in at least 75 countries on four continents and by women in at least 40 countries on three continents,” he said.

“Torches all over the world are being snatched as I speak. My fear is that, if we did not include the new sport, we might have other things being snatched at the Games instead – like the independence of Chinese territorial provinces, for example.

“As an enormous benefactor of any Olympic economic success, I can’t and won’t allow such political machinations to take place. No.

“Instead, I promote the channelling of worldwide political tension and civil unrest into the competing for, and winning of, Olympic gold medals.”

Torch-snatching is set to include the disciplines of freestyle snatching, relay snatching and guarded snatching – where competitors must first get past several tracksuited-Chinamen before gaining access to the torch.

Mr Rogge said the new sport would be replacing equestrian at Beijing. “Who watches that shit anyway? It’s just horses jumping fences, right?”


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