Top Gear’s Clarkson Run Down By Speeding ‘Super Car’
Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson was this morning run down by a speeding ‘super car’, the Chrysler Dodge Snake, or something like that.
The driver of the vehicle was killed after he knocked down Clarkson and subsequently veered into a petrol station, dying instantly from the resulting fireball.
It is not known whether Clarkson survived the initial collision, or whether it was the Vauxhall Nova landing on him after being catapulted from a trebuchet that eventually killed the anti-environmentalist bastard.
A witness claimed the driver of the Dodge, as yet unidentified, was travelling at approximately 186.24mph over the speed limit, but that she was unsure as to how he managed to lose control of the car.
It is alleged that the driver may have been in a ‘car versus hovercraft’ race with one of his alpha male friends. The owner of a 4×4 vehicle was also killed by the petrol station inferno.
Local police called the incident ‘a major tragedy’ while environmentalists called it ‘a major victory in the fight against global warming’.
Transport secretary Douglas Alexander has since vowed to make sure that “incidents of this kind never ever happen again”.
Mr Alexander promised, among other measures, to lower speed limits, erect more speed cameras, ban super cars, raise the severity of driving penalties, introduce extraordinarily high green taxes on all polluting vehicles, ban 4x4s, increase fuel taxes, scrap all vehicles older than ten years and use the recycled material to build wind turbines.
He said: “All of these proposals will be made in Clarkson’s honour.”
A memorial to the Top Gear presenter is set to be unveiled next month – it will be the longest cycle path in Britain.
Jet car crash survivor and fellow presenter Richard Hammond called Clarkson “a reckless idiot” and added: “He should have known better than to have been walking on a pavement.”
Clarkson’s funeral will take place next Saturday. It will be the first-ever carbon neutral funeral in Britain, with the heat produced from the cremation of his body used to generate enough electricity to offset the carbon dioxide emitted by his hearse.
The arrogant fuckhole’s ashes will be used to fertilise organic lettuce. May he also burn in hell.
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