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Theresa May Ordered To Leave County

Theresa May at the Berkshire borderHome Secretary Theresa May has been told to leave Berkshire after it emerged she was born 65 miles away in a completely different county.

Immigration officials swooped to kick May out of the county she moved to illegally in the 1990s, using rules she granted to them two weeks ago in a crackdown on people moving from one place to another.

May was asked to produce documents proving that she has always lived in Berkshire, where she was elected to represent the Maidenhead constituency in 1997, but an embarrassed home secretary was forced to admit that she had, in fact, been born in Eastbourne, East Sussex.

Worse still, May had been schooled at the expense of the education system in Oxfordshire, where she had been granted leave to remain, but chose instead to migrate to Solling, Berkshire – just so she could steal a job as an MP.

Furious Maidenhead residents were shocked to learn where their MP had been born. One told us, here at The Taxman: “Goodness, East Sussex? Don’t those people eat caterpillars there or something?

“I heard they eat caterpillars.”

Another of May’s constituents exclaimed: “Well I’ll be damned. A filthy Sussexian all along. And East Sussex to boot. They’re the worst of the lot!

“I don’t know. All these people from foreign counties coming over here and taking our jobs. I hope May gets put on the next bus out of here.”

May has been undone by her own newly-made laws. The Immigration Act drawn up by the Home Office under her guidance was passed into law last month.

The Act tightens the rules on people who migrate, making it easier for the government to disregard the Human Rights Act when they decide to kick out any immigrant who hasn’t the decency to either play for a Premier League football club, or buy one.

If May wants to stay in Berkshire she will now either have to marry a Berkshireman, donate a million quid to The Royal Berkshire NHS Foundation Trust, or prove that she faces certain death in Eastbourne by the wrinkly hands of one of its terrifying pensioner gangs.

Even then she’d only likely be permitted to stay in Solling for another six weeks – the maximum time now allowed for people to live anywhere that isn’t within five miles of where they were born.

In a statement today, May said: “I regret that the stories about my immigration status are, alas, true.

“I was born in East Sussex, and I did move to Berkshire without informing the relevant authorities of my true identity.

“But I came to Berkshire to work, I have never claimed any benefits, I abide by Berkshire’s by-laws, I have signed up to the local golf club and, against my better judgment, I have started supporting Reading FC.

“Apparently, that is not enough for my government. My department now says I must leave and return to where I came from.

“Well, so be it. But let me tell you one thing before I go; my mum is in one of Eastbourne’s pensioner gangs.

“And she’s not going to be happy when she hears what her daughter’s government has been doing.”

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