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Thatcher Privatises Afterlife

Bloody ThatcherMargaret Thatcher has privatised the Afterlife just hours after arriving there.

Heavenly services which provide the deceased with unlimited flows of wine, chocolate, smoked cheeses and sexual gratification are among those to have been contracted out to morally contemptuous corporations by the former British prime minister.

Thousands of jobs at the Afterlife Haunting Board have already been axed after it was sold off and several of its portals were closed, while there are fears that the break-up of the Department for Guardian Spirits will make it impossible for angels to be assigned to anyone on Earth who earns less than £32,000 a year.

“Instead of working together for the collective well-being of the deceased, vested interests are being allowed to profit from the essential services which allow eternal peace and love to flourish here in the Afterlife,” said one of the 35 victims of the 1988 Clapham Junction rail disaster.

“The people employed at the Purgatory Border Agency, which is now just an offshoot of Northern Rock, have been told to take a pay cut, or go to Hell.”

The famously hard-working Thatcher established the Afterlife Centre for Free Market Fundamentalism within minutes of dying from a stroke at the Ritz Hotel on Monday morning and vowed to break the Union of Dead Miners before lunchtime.

By 3pm the Baroness had ripped up 65 million years’ worth of regulatory frameworks designed to stop dinosaurs from running the Afterlife as a hobby farm.

The Devil even told The Taxman that he had been forced to reach a deal with Thatcher to stop her from selling off his molten melting pots.

“She’s wicked, that woman,” said Satan, his voice creaking with fear. “I’m scared.”

Outside the Office for Reincarnation, a queue grew exponentially as millions of dead Brits hoped to be allowed to return to Earth, as any creature they could gain a visa for.

Among them were the 96 victims of the 1989 Hillsborough disaster, the 649 Argentinians killed in the Falklands War in 1982, the thousands of political dissenters of General Pinochet’s regime in Chile who were murdered, plus anyone who wasn’t a millionaire in 1979.

But while everyone in the various realms of the Afterlife recoiled in horror at news of the 87-year-old Tory’s death, those still alive collectively spasmed with pure orgasmic joy before realising Thatcher’s legacy hadn’t been killed with her.

“Thatcherism has been continued by every single government that followed the bitch,” said a hamster.

“At least now I’m a rodent I won’t get told by other rodents that I shouldn’t be sleeping with rodents of the same sex.”

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