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Tesco Arms Itself For Pub Offensive

Cans of Tesco lagerSupermarket giant Tesco is calling for last orders from Britain’s pub industry.

A new range of shops called ‘The Tesco Arms’ will feature skittle aisles, dart cheese boards and self-service urinals.

The retailer says the move is the latest weapon in its strategy to convert every last pub into a supermarket.

“We don’t need anyone’s permission to do what we’re doing, y’know,” Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke boasted as he necked a can of Tesco Value lager in his office.

“The only thing we have to worry ’bout when we buy a pub, mate, is whether the locals are pissed enough to kick up a fuss.

“Once they clap eyes on the range of nuts we’ll be selling at The Tesco Arms, I’d wager they won’t be.”

The Tesco Arms brand is being launched nationwide after a successful trial at a former live music venue in Wimbledon; now converted into a supermarket where the security guard stamps people’s hands as they walk in, and a mate of the manager asks shoppers to sign up to as they walk out.

Although each branch will have its own unique ‘atmosphere’, all of the new Tesco Arms stores will offer pints of milk at half-price between 4 and 6pm Monday-Thursday.

Tesco customers who had been part of local campaigns to keep their pubs open have welcomed the move.

“At first I felt guilty for shopping at a supermarket where I used to do the pub quiz every Tuesday,” mused one regular.

“But then I realised that knowing whether or not I needed any help was a lot easier than knowing the name of the guy who played Dirty Den in Eastenders.”

For years Tesco has been buying up pubs and reopening them as shops before anyone can get another round in, thanks to a loophole in planning law which waives the usual permission required from a local authority for a change of use to a building.

It’s one British tradition Mr Clarke is keen to continue.

“Hey, it’s not my fault no-one’s drinking at pubs anymore,” the Tesco boss added.

“The market forces us to sell a six-pack of beer for less than a sack of spuds.”

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