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Students To Be Assaulted By Ministers Daily

CleggsawUniversity students in England and Wales will have to endure a daily beating by ministers, the government has announced.

The compulsory assaults will be targeted at vulnerable areas of the body such as the head, abdomen and groin, with the aim to gradually wear down the student until they are hospitalised.

Any youngsters somehow able to withstand the attacks will be struck with a variety of weapons, thought to include whips, canes, polo mallets and bayonets.

Fatalities will be recorded as ‘accidental death’, while those who make a full recovery from hospital will be forced to wear a remotely-controlled electromagnetic tag that Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg can use to deliver electric shocks on the hour, every hour.

The Lib Dem leader explained: “It is imperative that we do not allow students to survive university unscathed.

“They must bear the scars of their higher education for life, forever limited by the injuries that we will inflict.

“This is one of the founding principles of our coalition government. Liberal Democrats and Conservatives are united in their determination to make life for students a painful, traumatic and scarring experience.”

On Wednesday, universities minister David Willetts confirmed the cap on university tuition fees would be raised from £3,290 to £9,000 in order to maintain the bonuses of bankers employed by taxpayers and the profits of privatised utilities gifted monopolies by the last Tory government.

Willetts said: “Ministers are in training now to ensure that they will be able to physically brutalise Britain’s young generation over the duration of their degrees, and well beyond.

“Retaliation by any student being pummelled is punishable by death in a Saw-inspired torture puzzle of the minister’s own choosing.

“I prefer the venus fly trap, a helmet cage which will split your head in two when it snaps shut.

“Of course, the key will have been sewn inside the victim’s eye socket by Clegg.

“To escape alive and finish with a 2.1 in geography before the clock runs out, the mischievous student will have to cut out their own eyeball with a pocket knife.”

George Osborne has welcomed the minister’s announcement, adding that together with his proposed axing of 490,000 public sector jobs, the lack of affordable housing and the proliferation of loan sharks, he expected most graduates who somehow survive university to kill themselves within 18 months of realising that the government has given them no future whatsoever.

“Yaaaay! I get to inherit £4million!” the chancellor squeaked.

“Good luck escaping the twisted crucifix.”


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