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Rioters ‘Shit Scared’ Of Going To Prison, Vow To Behave From Now On


Britain’s rioters and looters are absolutely fucking petrified of going to prison and have all agreed to stop causing trouble in a desperate bid to avoid losing their freedom.

Although they already have no money, no job prospects, no home and no state support thanks to the coalition government’s contempt for anyone who doesn’t regularly wear a suit, prison is the thing that really, really worries the people who spent last week randomly burning and looting buildings.

One anonymous rioter exclaimed: “Oh, prison? Shit me. A guaranteed roof over my head and three square meals a day, all at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

“That’s far more scary than being shot in the back by a cop.

“I mean, if I went to prison, my life prospects would basically be the same as they are now.

“It’s petrifying.”

Two would-be rioters were jailed for four years this week for trying to hold a riot but not succeeding, making those who actually know how to organise a brick through a window poo themselves with pure fear.

“Wow, the threat of sending me to prison is really going to help me get back into work,” yelped another potential rice thief as he tried to keep his hand steady long enough to sign on.

“I guess I ought to start respecting the racist establishment.”

Since waves of looting and rioting swept the UK nearly a thousand job hunters have been jailed, many for offences that usually induce little more than a fine.

Lord Howard of Lympne, a title the former home secretary and Conservative Party leader worked extremely hard to attain, said he would be happy to help build new prisons if needs be.

“Walls that separate poor people from rich people are a great way solve society’s problems,” the Right Honourable gentleman explained.

“Someone get me some cement.”

Prime Minister David Cameron agreed with his predecessor. However, as a moderniser, he also emphasised the importance of social media.

“Facespace and TwitTube are important communication tools in the internet age,” Cameron explained over a breakfast he looted from taxpayers.

“So to stop people from arranging new, unpredictable ways to cause harm to Britain’s town centres, I propose shutting social media down.

“We can’t let people keep organising big parties that are capable of causing wanton destruction on a mass scale.”


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