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Reading Daily Express Causes Brain Failure

safe disposal of Daily Express

Serious concerns were raised yesterday about the psychological effects of reading the Daily Express.

Doctors say scores of people are coming forward with brain complaints after being exposed to the xenophobic vitriol emitted by the tabloid.

The distorted and toxic information inside makes handling the Daily Express extremely dangerous. Exposure to high levels of its ‘journalism’ can cause paranoia, fear, resentment, hostility, diarrhea and inflammation.

Alarming new guidelines warn that anyone who sees an opened copy of the Daily Express should avoid reading it at all costs.

The official new advice, which we, here at The Taxman, hope will be published very soon, reads: “Vacate the room and clear your mind for at least 15 minutes.

“By remaining calm and without succumbing to blind, bigoted fury, return to clean up the mess using a naked flame and aim to avoid reading or even glancing at the ‘newspaper’ until it is completely destroyed.”

The debris must be disposed of at a secure site for contaminated material or returned to the retailer, who deserves to be admonished in a fair and non-prejudiced way.

Last night, experts claimed the government had not done enough to make people aware of the dangers of the Daily Express .

EU rules mean the Daily Express can continue spreading fictitious health advice until at least 2012, and probably forever.

But the piece-of-crap publication’s scaremongering could backfire when it ends up being targeted in a bombing campaign from its own readers, once they all learn how many Daily Express staff are not ethnically pure.

Dr Hannah Harris, of Filton High School, said: “If thousands of copies of the Daily Express were sent to landfill this could pose a problem. They could leak and get into the food chain.

“Racism cannot escape from a fully sealed and unopened copy. But the best thing to do is just to burn it, to be sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.

“The problem is that many councils do not know the correct guidelines for disposing of the Daily Express. Only six out of 17 we spoke to knew the rules.”

Jonny Moore, from recycling firm Veolia, said: “The Daily Express is dangerous material. Consumers have to be careful.

“I couldn’t even be sure that if you tried to recycle it one of our slightly dim-witted staff wouldn’t pick it up and immediately try to burn down the nearest mosque.”

Fears that the Daily Express can cause stupidity, migraine, epilepsy and eczema have already been raised.

People who suffer from closed-mindedness, a disorder which leaves them housebound because they are so shit-scared that everything in the real world is out to get them, are also reporting a flare-up of their condition.

Dr Gregory Davies, consultant dermatologist at Horfield CofE Primary School, said: “Reactions to the Daily Express are not well understood. Some people fill with rage, others with fear, others with self-loathing.

“But I am seeing regular handfuls of patients who are complaining of skin allergies, as are my colleagues. Common symptoms are severe stinging, burning and itching of the skin, along with paranoia and bitter, intolerant antipathy.

“I think it would be perfectly reasonable for people who suffer these very serious problems to open their minds and read The Taxman instead.”


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