Rail Bosses Devise Innovative New Way To Delay Trains
Rail passengers will have to stand and watch streams of road traffic whizz by, as train services are forced to patiently give way.
The move is part of a drive by government to make Britain’s rail users so angry that they all spontaneously combust.
Ministers aim to eliminate demand for train travel by 2030, eventually replacing Britain’s ageing rail network with a new light-speed rocket system that will cost commuters a billion pounds for an off-peak single and won’t stop within 100 miles of anyone’s house.
Network Rail chief executive Peter Henderson said: “Everyone hates it when you’re trying to get somewhere, only for a train to come along and force you to sit in your car like a lemon for five minutes as it passes.
“But rail passengers technically don’t have any human rights since the government put in a clause exempting them from the Human Rights Act.
“So all we need to do is turn the barriers 90 degrees clockwise and the trains will have to stop instead. Sorted.”
The cost of converting all 7,000 of Britain’s level crossings will be met by introducing temporary rail tolls, to be collected while the train driver waits for a big enough gap in traffic to pass through.
Passengers who don’t wish to be kicked off their service will be asked to pay a sum determined by how good a mood the ticket inspector is in.
Transport Secretary Philip Hammond enthused: “It’s beyond us why anyone still bothers to buy a train ticket these days, I mean, we’re trying so hard to put everyone off.
“We’ve put prices up again, way above inflation, but still they keep coming. We’ve kept passengers imprisoned in their carriages for days without food or water, yet they survive.
“Even when we added more first class carriages to try and suffocate the common folk, they found a way to live. They’re like turds which won’t flush, I tell you.”
From 2nd January rail fares in Britain will go up by an average of 5.8 percent, and by as much as 13 percent on some routes.
“Raising fares is obligatory, but it’s our new plans for high-speed rail that will really sort them [rail passengers] out,” continued Hammond.
“We’re going to spend tens of billions, like, a serious amount of cash, in order to build a brand spanking new super railway that absolutely no one will be able to afford to travel on.
“Dozens of clean, empty train carriages will zoom past at 250mph on a viaduct as prehistoric trains on the old rail network are either broken down, stuck at a red signal, frozen to the tracks, waiting at a level crossing or bursting into flames.
“Lets see how many resist the roads after we’ve built that.”
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