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Parole Officer Dismayed At Prisoner’s Refusal To Reoffend

an unstolen merc

A car thief has stunned his parole officer and the prison service by refusing to commit any more criminal acts upon his release from jail.

Liam Banes has, according to parole officer Dick Jones, walked right on past dozens of insufficiently secured parked cars and not even paused to consider hot-wiring them.

Mr Jones, who has been monitoring Banes in Manchester for more than a month, said: “I’ve been a parole officer for 18 years and never have I seen a case such as this, where a convicted criminal has shunned several golden opportunities to reoffend upon his release.

“Instead he has shown an astonishing commitment to living a new life as an honest, hard-working, law-abiding British citizen. Quite frankly, his behaviour makes me sick.”

On one such occasion Banes is accused of ignoring an open-top Mercedes Benz with no steering lock or alarm system and parked in a dark alleyway.

“After he walked by that Merc, I became so disillusioned, I almost stole the damn car myself,” continued Mr Jones, clearly distressed as he recalled the shocking incident.

Her Majesty’s Prison Service is currently reviewing the progress of prisoner #8372914553804554166 as he serves his parole at the end of a twelve-month prison sentence.

However, it looks increasingly likely that prison chiefs will be forced into taking the unthinkable action of permanently releasing Banes from incarceration.

“I’ve never known anything like it,” said a spokesman. “I have no idea where the appropriate paperwork is.”

Mr Jones desribes Banes as “a disgrace”. He continued: “My job used to be simple – I’d follow around this convicted scum for a couple weeks, wait until he reoffended, then bang him up for another five years. It was really satisfying.

“Now, what? They’ve learned their lesson? It’s impossible.”

The parole officer described how prison is clearly designed to reinforce the norms and values of being a criminal.

“I can’t believe that someone has actually used their time inside to think about the damage they’ve done, the suffering of their victims, the price they have paid and the negative impact they’ve had on society – it’s a damn right fucking disgrace.”

We, here at The Taxman, were so moved by this story that we left the dark and dingy confines of our own offices yesterday to ask Home Secretary John Reid about this whole unsavoury episode.

“Clearly this man was not ready to be released on parole. Admittedly, overcrowding is a problem. However, my department is working tirelessly to insure that, by 2010, there’ll be a prison on every street corner in the country,” said Reid.

“We’re building prisons faster the Tories, which is just as well, considering we have this new legislation coming in next year giving police the authority to lock up anyone wearing a hoodie.”

Meanwhile, Mr Jones continued to ramble on. “He’s a fucking car thief for fuck’s sake and there he was, riding a fucking bicycle to the fucking job centre!”


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