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Olympic Terrorism Doubts After Suicide Bombers Go AWOL

William Hague holding dynamiteLondon 2012 may not be hit by a deadly wave of suicide bombings after Al-Qaeda admitted it passed its responsibility for terrorism to a private contractor.

The revelation came as the London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games (Locog) staged a practice drill for a terrorist attack during the opening ceremony, at which bomb-laden martyrs were expected to rip a hole in the Olympic Stadium.

But instead, no terrorists were to be seen.

Al-Qaeda subsequently informed Foreign Secretary William Hague that its terrorism duties were in the hands of British killing experts G4E (Genocides for Everyone).

A spokesman for Al-Qaeda said: “We asked G4E to provide 100 suicide bombers for a series of terrorist attacks during the Games.

“Only this morning did we find out that 35 of the highly-skilled immolators G4E promised us had decided not to kill themselves after all.

“Instead they decided to join the Olympic fencing teams of their respective nations.”

Al-Qaeda later apologised for its failure to so far blow anyone up, but vowed to fill the gap in Olympic terror attacks by putting out an appeal on its intranet message board.

“We are confident we can still find the sufficient volume of poor, brainwashed young men required by Locog to maim and slaughter thousands of visitors to London 2012 over the next few weeks,” the militant Islamist organisation stated.

“The failure of G4E is a setback and we promise to learn the lessons from this. But there really is no need to worry. Thanks to Nato our network of suicide bombers is inexhaustible.”

However, despite these reassurances, Shadow Foreign Secretary Douglas Alexander questioned why the government had no prior warning of the shortage of available London 2012 terrorists.

“As recently as one month ago the government was saying how confident it was that there would be at least three deadly attacks on the Olympics,” he said.

“Now we are told that Al-Qaeda was not even prepared to recruit its own suicide bombers, relying instead on a shoddy backroom operation of half-arsed militants who’d rather wear white and prod each other with blunt swords.”

Hague responded by promising that if no-one blew themselves up during the first 10 days of the Games, he would personally march into the Aquatic Centre and throw a stick of dynamite at Tom Daley’s face.

He told the House of Commons: “It is my personal guarantee that many, many people will be randomly murdered if not by Al-Qaeda themselves, then at least by a civil servant, or, if necessary, by me.”


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