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Olympic Stadium Rejects ‘Useless’ West Ham

The Olympic Stadium in StratfordThe Olympic Stadium has rejected West Ham United over fears the club would ruin its reputation for sporting success.

In the latest twist to the long-running saga over the London 2012 venue’s legacy, the arena said it was now in talks with Leyton Orient.

“West Ham are going down, Leyton Orient are going up,” the Olympic Stadium said at a press conference this morning in its changing rooms.

“After the euphoria of London 2012 and all those gold medals, I cannot afford to be associated with failure.

“West Ham are getting their asses handed to them every single week through playing a shocking brand of turgid, one-dimensional football.

“Quite frankly, United are sinking faster than the Titanic in an iceberg-infested whirlpool. So why the fuck do they think I would want to host them?

“This is serious. I’ve got a reputation to uphold here.”

London 2012 chief Seb Coe vowed that the Olympic Stadium would not become a “white elephant” following the Games, but this promise came perilously close to fruition when West Ham were chosen as tenants after a protracted legal battle.

However, the rejection of West Ham has once again raised the possibility of a reprieve for Leyton Orient Football Club, currently based just a mile up the road and challenging for promotion into the Championship.

“I was prepared to stomach West Ham at first,” the stadium continued.

“I was told the club would be moulded into a top team capable of qualifying for Europe and challenging for trophies.

“Next thing I know, they hire Sam Allardyce.”

A further £154million is set to be spent on converting the Olympic Stadium for regular football use by 2016, bringing the total cost to more than £583million – most of it paid by taxpayers.

So far in its life the venue has only hosted a couple of weeks’ worth of athletics.

The venue added: “Look, I’ll admit it. I’m an expensive, classy kind of stadium. I crave fame and fortune.

“I’ve hosted some of the finest athletes in the world and witnessed some of the greatest moments in British sporting history.

“So if you think that I’m prepared to swap the likes of Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis for the likes of Andy Carroll and Kevin Nolan, boy, you’ve got another thing coming.

“No, that’s it, I’m done with these bloody ‘Irons’. Someone get me Barry Hearn’s phone number.”

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