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Old People More Likely To Die

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Britain’s old folk are more likely to die than their younger counterparts, a chilling health report has warned.

Blanketing the over-65s with a thick veil of extreme terror, the Healthcare for Dummies article has sent chills down the spine of old people everywhere.

OAPs – who until reading the eighth word of the intro were blissfully unaware of their impending doom – are this morning waking up to the savage realisation that they will all die very, very soon.

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said an 84-year-old from Ipswich in her first and last interview with The Taxman. “I’m going to die? I never knew.”

The old dear’s last words were: “I’m positively outraged. Why have this evil government been keeping the truth from me all these years? Why have all my taxes not been spent on finding a cure for death?”

But the Healthcare for Dummies report explains that the probable killer of most of Britain’s 12 million pensioners will be a right-wing tabloid-newspaper-induced heart attack.

A very fit 21-year-old spokeswoman said: “Every day these poor, vulnerable old folk read the latest pile of exaggerated, alarmist shit from the pages of the Daily Mail and Daily Express.

“With each scare story they read, their poor little hearts will skip yet another beat. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen – very, very soon.”

The report says a possible cure to so-called ‘old age death’ would be a nationwide media ban on large-font headlines in capital letters, and a requirement on all newspapers in Britain to report stories fairly, accurately and proportionately.

“Our calculations show that if the Daily Mail and Daily Express were removed from the households of all persons over the age of 50, Britain’s life expectancy would sky-rocket to 102 years,” the report concludes.

“Then our only cause of death would be that new killer frog virus from Colombia. That thing sounds scarier than those mop-wielding asylum seekers who keep burning down France.”

Meanwhile, warnings that man-made climate change will lead to a global health catastrophe have gone unreported by the Daily Mail, so desperate as they are to protect their readers’ ignorance of the world’s real problems.


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